Wednesday, 4 December 2013

love, disloyalty?

I know it's been ages and yadda yadda yadda.

And I want to give you more guilty preamble because I feel like I'm supposed to, but actually I only have a few minutes until the babies wake up and there's something else I felt like I wanted to come here to talk about.

And that is, how much I am in love with my little boy.

Well, sure yes, duh. And gosh, how obnoxious for a formerly-infertily blogger to say. Also, funny to say when you have a little girl to be in love with too.

But bear with me.

I guess the thing is I'm realizing that how much I adore A is actually bringing up some feelings relating to the donor conception that I didn't really know to anticipate, that I really didn't think about at all... and that make me feel - I'm not quite sure how to say it really - but maybe a little disloyal to S? (my hubs, for those of you new here, if anyone is indeed still here)

Here's the thing - P (my little girl) is literally the spitting image of me. She looks exactly like I did as a baby and apparently is so much like how I was as well, down to the way she holds her feet (same as mine, according to photographic evidence and my mother going on about it all the time). I feel a closeness to her and also a frustration that I don't feel with A.

With A it's something somehow more admiring, but also a little more dangerous to me. It's partly to do with their personalities, P is more like me - more reticent, likes to take things in before committing to smiling. Whereas A is full of sunshine, grinning like a loon, really enthusiastic about everything (actually, a LOT like his dad in that respect, his smile is pure S).

He's also so handsome in this way that feels a little mysterious. I can see some aspects of my family in him (he looked a lot like my grandfather actually as a wrinkly newborn) but in many ways I suspect he's closer to what the donor looks like.

And admiring how handsome he is, how wonderful, feels somehow like I'm admiring someone who isn't my husband. It also feels a bit like having a crush on a random unattainable stranger - the way I would back in middle school - that feels a bit distant and slightly odd.

The other day I went out with some friends, one with a baby and one without. So the one without suddenly got one of mine thrust on her - A as he's generally the happier one to hand to people he doesn't know and therefore I guess the one that I literally 'see from a distance' more often.

He has the same coloring as this random friend and seemed to be really enjoying cuddling with her. And I felt so removed from it all, like this could have been her baby as easily as mine, but gosh what a lovely baby it is.

This blog is hugely partial now, since I probably do and only will come here to write about things that relate to our infertility and issues around donor conception rather than the whole run-of-the-mill parenting business (unless you guys want to hear that? I mean, let me know if you do. I have a funny covered-head-to-toe-in-parsnip-vomit story I can share). So I don't mean to somehow sound like this has been some all-consuming thing in my parenting.

But it's something I've been thinking about lately, and since this is the space where I puzzle this stuff through there it is.

Does this feel familiar to anyone?


2 comments:

  1. I think it is possible you could feel these things even if S was the biological dad... I am of course no expert but babies tend to imitate the parents gestures, and so on, and you say S is all smiley and happy, so maybe you are seeing him in A? (Without realizing, but while knowing all you know, which makes things confusing). And I think it might also have to do with hormones... I think you would be in love with your babies in any case, and seeing them as the most beautiful creatures on earth, but at the same time it is only human that you emphatize or "feel" more with certain personalities than with others (does not mean that you love one or the other less).

    BTW if you feel like writing about it, I would like to read your parenting stories. (Have been thinking of you, and missing your voice).

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  2. Sort of. I was told that the donor stuff just falls into the background once the baby is born but I dunno, its there, and very present every day. But maybe not in the way you'd think, just an a "there's this whole other dimension to this baby that I will not really get until much later" more than a "this baby was donor conceived" kinda thing. If that makes ANY sense, probably not.
    NB does not look like me, that I can see. I don't, these days, see anything I recognise. Thats odd but liberating in its own weird way. I wonder about the donor regularly, what he looks like. I even dreamed about it last night, in that there was a line up of 3 donors and I had to try and pick ours for some reason that had come up that we had to identify him. His name was Douglas. And there were undeniable shades of NB in his features.

    The mind is a strange thing, eh?!

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