Today has been a weirdly angsty day.
This morning S and I had a bit of a chat over breakfast about how he can't come to a lot of the pre-natal and otherwise baby-related things we have coming up. Tonight I'm going to meet up with a local group of twin-parents, tomorrow NCT, saturday is twin-sale and babysitting for our close friends who have done a ton for us lately.
It's a lot.
I know I/we have chosen to get involved in a lot of different activities and groups quite willingly. Most of this stuff is optional, and things that I sure as heck looked forward to when we were in the trenches of treatment.
And I know that the reason that S can't go to any of these things is because he's working at a job that he loves (the man is working with homeless people and stroke patients for goodness sakes, it's not like he's out being a banker or something). And I know that he does make it to tons of things as well.
But today I had a bit of an identity crisis about this all. About being the 'little lady' doing the baby stuff, while my husband is out at work (and at a stag do/bachelor party over the weekend, which adds a little insult to injury). Maybe it's sleep deprivation, or hormones, but all of the sudden I'm in a bit of a state.
It's something that I hesitate mightily to write about here, lest it come across somehow as ungrateful. I'm so grateful, so thankful to be where we are with this pregnancy. But at the same time I'm missing things about my life, things that feel sort of far away now and won't be getting closer any time soon.
Partly it's because I haven't gotten any real work done at my job in ages. I'm too tired and distracted to do academic writing, and I feel like I'm just not that motivated about it anyhow.
Also I haven't been seeing many friends because I'm so knackered, and London is so big, and I can't really spend an hour plus on public transport to go see people who live on the other side of town etc.
So suddenly two of the biggest things that defined my life: my intellectual work and my emphasis on good quality time with my friends, they've just faded.
I thought this kind of identity crisis was the luxury of people who hadn't struggled to get pregnant. I've had a fair few friends go through this and I admit I thought it was a bit frivolous - I was concentrating so hard on getting pregnant that it seemed like a million miles away to worry about things like your professional or social identity. Like, 'sure, I'll take your problems any day.'
But that doesn't keep me from feeling pretty overwhelmed with it now. I know this stage is temporary, and will in the short term be replaced by an even-more-consuming stage before it gets easier (what, in 2-3 years?). And I know these are all things I wanted so badly it's hard to now put them into words.
And yet I'm scared. I'm scared that I don't know who I am any more, that I have lost the ability and motivation and discpline to do some of the things that gave me most pleasure in my life, and that made me feel the most like me.
Of course 'who I am' is going to change, and in ways that I'm looking forward to so very much. But at the same time I don't want to lose everything about who I was before, I don't want to turn into a woman who can only talk about babies, who doesn't have a work life that fulfils her (to say nothing of the fact that we can't afford to live on one income very long), who doesn't make time to catch up meaningfully with friends.
I hated when I felt like infertility defined me, and I don't know that I'm loving that baby-making is defining me either.
Am I horrible for thinking these things? Is anyone else going through any of this? Feel free to tell me I'm being crazy, or just self-indulgent. It's just that when you're focusing so hard on getting pregnant it's hard to think about any of this stuff, and totally impossible to plan for it. And yet it suddenly sneaks up on you...