Today has been a weirdly angsty day.
This morning S and I had a bit of a chat over breakfast about how he can't come to a lot of the pre-natal and otherwise baby-related things we have coming up. Tonight I'm going to meet up with a local group of twin-parents, tomorrow NCT, saturday is twin-sale and babysitting for our close friends who have done a ton for us lately.
It's a lot.
I know I/we have chosen to get involved in a lot of different activities and groups quite willingly. Most of this stuff is optional, and things that I sure as heck looked forward to when we were in the trenches of treatment.
And I know that the reason that S can't go to any of these things is because he's working at a job that he loves (the man is working with homeless people and stroke patients for goodness sakes, it's not like he's out being a banker or something). And I know that he does make it to tons of things as well.
But today I had a bit of an identity crisis about this all. About being the 'little lady' doing the baby stuff, while my husband is out at work (and at a stag do/bachelor party over the weekend, which adds a little insult to injury). Maybe it's sleep deprivation, or hormones, but all of the sudden I'm in a bit of a state.
It's something that I hesitate mightily to write about here, lest it come across somehow as ungrateful. I'm so grateful, so thankful to be where we are with this pregnancy. But at the same time I'm missing things about my life, things that feel sort of far away now and won't be getting closer any time soon.
Partly it's because I haven't gotten any real work done at my job in ages. I'm too tired and distracted to do academic writing, and I feel like I'm just not that motivated about it anyhow.
Also I haven't been seeing many friends because I'm so knackered, and London is so big, and I can't really spend an hour plus on public transport to go see people who live on the other side of town etc.
So suddenly two of the biggest things that defined my life: my intellectual work and my emphasis on good quality time with my friends, they've just faded.
I thought this kind of identity crisis was the luxury of people who hadn't struggled to get pregnant. I've had a fair few friends go through this and I admit I thought it was a bit frivolous - I was concentrating so hard on getting pregnant that it seemed like a million miles away to worry about things like your professional or social identity. Like, 'sure, I'll take your problems any day.'
But that doesn't keep me from feeling pretty overwhelmed with it now. I know this stage is temporary, and will in the short term be replaced by an even-more-consuming stage before it gets easier (what, in 2-3 years?). And I know these are all things I wanted so badly it's hard to now put them into words.
And yet I'm scared. I'm scared that I don't know who I am any more, that I have lost the ability and motivation and discpline to do some of the things that gave me most pleasure in my life, and that made me feel the most like me.
Of course 'who I am' is going to change, and in ways that I'm looking forward to so very much. But at the same time I don't want to lose everything about who I was before, I don't want to turn into a woman who can only talk about babies, who doesn't have a work life that fulfils her (to say nothing of the fact that we can't afford to live on one income very long), who doesn't make time to catch up meaningfully with friends.
I hated when I felt like infertility defined me, and I don't know that I'm loving that baby-making is defining me either.
Am I horrible for thinking these things? Is anyone else going through any of this? Feel free to tell me I'm being crazy, or just self-indulgent. It's just that when you're focusing so hard on getting pregnant it's hard to think about any of this stuff, and totally impossible to plan for it. And yet it suddenly sneaks up on you...
You are not crazy or horrible. And you are still you even if you don't feel it right now.
ReplyDeleteI think part of what you are feeling is hormones, another part is: major life change to come, and excitement, and overwhelmed/ness ....
Liz (@ happysighs) wrote a series about the fear / how babies are scary.
I just read Lauren McGlynn's today's post on the subtle things in which motherhood has changed her so far, in 3 months since birth, while she is still trying to do those things that make her 'her'.
Lauren @betterinrealife also wrote about how she is afraid she will not be able to take the mother/pregnancy hat off and how she wants all the other hats (writer, friend, wife) as well.
Your feelings are valid, and common, and they do not make you a monster.
Right now you are in this moment, live it, feel it, try to stay positive, push the negative away. But let things be what they have to be, and if you need a good cry or rant, let it come too.
I think all these things are normal, but what is more important is that you are still you and you will keep on being so. You will find the energy and motivation / inspiration to write. You will find a way to meet friends, go to galleries, travel, read, work, have fun (Cara @ Peonies and Polaroids is also very inspirinig in that sense). You are still here, even now when it does not feel so.
If you need anything, if there is anything I can do, let me know.
My baby is 8 months old. While I didn't have to use fertility docs to get pregnant, nor do I have twins, I still struggled. He was 5 weeks early. He was healthy, but still had issues with eating and gaining weight. At 4 months, he was diagnosed as FTT and screamed NONSTOP. Turns out he had a breastmilk allergy, and switching to formula made him a new baby. He's just now starting to sleep better, but he still gets up 1-2 times per night.
ReplyDeleteAll of this is to say I had a hard time, and at 8mo I'm just now feeling like "me" again. You're having a major adjustment. Don't feel badly about searching for a new identity.
Hey, you are allowed to feel overwhelmed, this is a huge change having not one but two babies. Being scared and to question who you are in the process doesn't mean you are ungrateful, I think this is quite normal thinking and a mental preparation for what's to come. You are doing the best you can with the energy you have, please don't feel bad about cutting down on activities when you need to rest.
ReplyDeleteNah I think its normal. Its probably good to recognise how much things are and do change, even if right now, standing on the cusp of it, we can't really fathom the full impact.
ReplyDeleteI have had similar fears which I've not been able to form into enough right-feeling words for a blog post - mainly around losing ALL my income and future job prospects - haven't figured out how that works for me in 6 months if I want to grab the odd coffee or need a new pair of shoes or a new bra, but as well, the part of Me that I lose in work, just whizzing out and doing stuff . . . that will be gone.
And yes, it feels 'self indulgent' or whatever label we put on it, because its ME - MY shoes, MY coffee - and everything we're told about parenting (apart from the blessed people who tell us also 'its so important to look after yourself and put yourself first sometimes), conflictingly, is all about ME coming last and everyone else's needs getting met first. And who, in their right mind, would look forward to an interminable amount of time living like that?
I'm scared of, as you write, solely defining myself as a mother, being obsessed with bowel habits and food intake, and not being able to hold a normal neutral conversation that isn't about something I birthed.
I think its good to recognise, to try and avoid (however futile) and like Marwil terms a 'mental preparation' and yes, its 'normal', as far as I can tell, to feel like this.
Just one of those other things that no-one really seems to talk about or admit to
Hey you, I am sorry you're feeling this way at the moment. You are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling so please don't beat yourself up about it. This is a massive deal, it is huge and life changing and of course it's scary. I imagine it's even scary when you don't have to go through all the difficulties we IFers have to but I think having gone through everything that you and S have gone through it must be even more daunting. I think it's perfectly natural. Should I ever get anywhere near having a child I will be petrified of turning into a Baby Bore. Almost everyone around me does.
ReplyDeleteYou are so intelligent and fascinating, and have been through so much to get here, you will be ok! You are so not Beige as so many 'Mummies' are, you will be fabulous and you will find your way!
I am not sure I can add much to the wise words of the fabulous ladies above me, but I can add a huge hug.
ReplyDeleteI 100% completely and totally agree with this post. I have always been driven by my career and went through school to finish my doctorate and now? I can't focus and can't be bothered to care. It's a bit scary. I keep saying things to my husband like, "Things will never be the same" and he acts like he gets it, but I'm not sure men really get it because I'm not sure their identity changes so completely as ours. Such a confusing whirlwind of an experience.
ReplyDeleteIronically, I just wrote a post today about how the first trimester seems to be changing my personality and "dulling me out" : http://bitsinpeaces.blogspot.com/2013/03/cocooned.html.
I don't think we should feel guilty for going through a rollercoaster of reactions.