It's hard for me not to feel responsible for every thing that happens during this pregnancy. Every kick (of which there are, happilly, many now), every ache, every blood test or scan.
It's hard not to literally and metaphorically feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, or more accurately, on my hips.
We had another scan this morning - because we're having twins we'll be having scans every 4 weeks rather than the norm in the UK which is to not be scanned again after the 20 week anomaly scan unless there's a problem (HOW do people survive? I would go crazy).
While the scan was largely fine - babies are growing within range, good heartbeats etc. However there seems to be too much fluid around Twin B. This condition, called Polyhydramnios could be an indication of Gestational Diabetes or some form of malformation, or most likely it could be absolutely nothing at all.
The sonographer was reticent to say anything much about it. In fact she barely told us there was even a problem until suddenly we were being scheduled for another scan in 2 weeks rather than waiting another month as we were previously scheduled.
I'm trying very hard not to freak out about this. I have a pretty strong feeling we're heading in the direction of gestational diabetes if we aren't there already (glucose test scheduled for 28 weeks, I'm only at 24.5 now). My glucose was slightly elevated at the last midwife appointment, plus I was overweight to begin with, am pregnant with multiples (higher risk for GD anyhow) and have a family history of diabetes (though actually I'm a little unclear on whether this makes any difference).
There's a part of me that feels a bit accepting about this - if it happens it happens and I'll follow the strict diet. Though the truth of the matter is actually a lot of the GD diet is mostly how I eat anyhow - despite being overweight I do actually have quite a healthy diet and have been trying to exercise as much as possible though it has been making me vomit...
There's another part of me that feels pissed off at the universe - damn it it was so darn hard to get here, we had such a crazy road, and I've been having a pretty tough pregnancy already (hyperemesis the whole first trimester that lessened around 18 weeks, although still puking every few days, and now suddenly I've been puking daily again for the last week - I didn't know that was even a thing... plus insane acid reflux and pelvic girdle pain... I hate complaining but on the other hand I really wish I could catch a break). Can't we just have something be easy?
And then there's another and probably much larger part of me that just feels angry at myself. It's my fault that we've had all these complications - I was too heavy to begin with, I haven't taken proper care of my babies or myself. I've been selfish and now I'm endangering them. I'm a terrible person for feeling annoyed about having to go to the hospital once a week (for physio, scans, doctors appointments, glucose test etc), and worrying about how I'm going to get my work done. I am a weakling and lame for complaining.
I had a long session with my therapist about this at one point. She specialises in infertily and pointed out that most of the symptoms I've had are entirely possible for women with different body types or with singletons. And that it is neither an inevitably conclusion of having been too heavy to start with, nor having twins, that I should be experiencing all this.
Logically I know it's true, but somehow I still feel like shit today. I feel like I got complacent with good news at every scan, and need to step up the self-care more than I have already. How I'm going to achieve that I'm not entirely sure, but I really need to try.