It happens, it could.
For some reason there are still page views here all the time even though I've only ever felt like it was a small handful of you, my virtual buddies, reading along.
I've liked to think of someone out there stumbling across this space and it comforting them when they needed it - showing them a future they were hoping or striving for - even if it was after wrapping their minds around terrible news.
And doing what I'm about to do prevents that possibility, which I feel badly about, for those possible people who I feel for so deeply and profoundly.
This is going to be my last post, and then I'm going to take down this blog - next week or sometime soon. I need to figure out how to keep all the posts somehow, electronically and maybe by doing one of those books.
The things I've written here, all the uncertainty and worry... far from moving past it I want to hold on to it tightly, it helps me understand and wrap my arms and my mind around the life I'm in now. The gorgeous kids who are not even babies anymore. The house we fought for, the fact that I'm able to take the bus into work without having to get off to be sick in a bin by the bus shelter :)
Our story continues of course. A&P are big and hilarious and just now starting to love on each other in a way that makes the whole hellish first 6 months of twin parenting worth it. A put his arm around P in the pushchair yesterday and I had a little cry. She likes to ruffle his hair (why does he have all the hair? she's such a baldy still, I can't wait for bunches and barrettes).
We're getting on with the business of parenting them and the donor side of it has faded. Faded, but not disappeared.
This is the reality of this family and something we will only need to acknowledge more and more as they get older and have questions for us about who we are (and are not) and how we came to have them. We want to be prepared for those questions and to help them develop the language and confidence to ask them, and so have been starting to read them a couple of books (both of which are highly recommended for other donor families out there!). We're still stumbling a little (a lot) but working on it.
S and I are good, great even. We were made to do this parenting gig together, it turns out, even if the road here was fraught and kind of terrible. Even if we didn't get to 'make' these babies the way people mean when they normally say that.
He's such a fabulous dad, and there's not a sliver of worry about whether the babies are attached to him, or he to them. We're having a lot of fun with this, even if parenting toddler twins is a... challenge. I know that we inhabit these roles and love this experience in a totally different way for the struggle, and in a way I'm appreciative of that, truly.
The reason I'm taking down this blog, instead of just leaving it hanging out, is that I'm starting a new job. A job I'm excited about but that has a big public/blog/social media component (email me if you want details! it's about media and parents and kids and it's going to be a challenge and a lot of fun) and I don't feel like I'm adept enough with all those millions of log-ins and profiles to try to keep this space separate from that.
No, I don't have anything to hide. But, I don't know if this is everyone's story either.
To those of you I've gotten to know through your blogs or even in person... thank you for all the support you've given, for the lives you've shared with me for a little while. I will absolutely keep reading along. I hope you'll get in touch if you want (email@example.com).
And to any of you I don't know, especially if you're out there wanting a baby and lacking something to make it happen (for whatever reason)... You don't know it now, but there's someone in a little house with a very tangly garden, a goofy husband and two tiny maniacs hoping that you get here too, whatever here looks like for you. I'm holding you in my heart and wishing you all lots of love.